Two Things Can Be True
One of the mantras I find myself often saying to clients, and then begin to hear them repeat back to me as we work together, is “two things can be true.” What does this mean? Let’s use some examples to break it apart.
Let’s say that a client comes to me and tells me her partner is working long hours, hyper-focused on work, and making little time for her or their relationship. During our session, she might share that she feels sad and hurt that he isn’t prioritizing their relationship. I validate this emotion. Her perspective and emotions are completely valid and understandable. Then this individual might speak with her partner. He might listen to her and then share that he is attempting to demonstrate his love for her and the family by his commitment to work and providing for them. He may feel misunderstood because he believes that his partner is not appreciating his hard work. This is a prime example that two things can be true. The first partner is allowed to have her perspective and emotions about the situation, as is her partner. Oftentimes, we find ourselves creating a narrative around our own perspective and emotions. When someone important in our lives attempts to share their own perspective and emotions, we can fall into the trap of rejecting that perspective as “untrue” because it doesn’t fit with our own. Reminding ourselves that “two things can be true” makes space for our experience as well as the experience of important others in our lives.
Here's another example…I strongly dislike doing bedtime with my 2-year-old daughter right now. Bedtime is difficult in our house right now. There is a lot of back and forth while getting PJs on, sitting on the potty 100s of times in 30 minutes or engaging in a battle to sit on it at all, and finding every possible toy and distraction in the room before going to bed. On top of that, I usually feel worn down by that time of day. As such, I just don’t prefer bedtime. I love many other times of day with my toddler – getting her up in the morning, seeing her eat her meals, playtime, going to the store together, but for me, bedtime isn’t my favorite right now.
Just typing the paragraph above brings up feelings of guilt and frustration with myself for not having more patience. It also brings up thoughts like “Am I a bad mom?” “What will people think about me sharing this?” But guess what, two things can be true. I know that I am a committed and caring mom who is doing her best every day to create a loving, healthy environment for my child AND I don’t like bedtime right now. This shift helps me create space for my own uncomfortable emotions without judging them. It helps me have compassion for myself, which makes my life better and also helps me show up with others in a more authentic and compassionate way.
So, the next time you find yourself beating yourself up for feeling a certain way or unable to accept someone’s experience when it differs from your own, remind yourself:
Two things can be true.