Will Self-Compassion Make Me Complacent?

To start, let’s define what self-compassion is and what it isn’t.

Self-compassion is a repeated practice of being kind to ourselves.  Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychologist and leader in the field of self-compassion, describes self-compassion in the following way:

“Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”

 Self-compassion is an integral part of my work with clients.  Self-compassion in my work often involves teaching clients how to be kind to themselves, even in the moments of perceived short-coming or failure.  This might involve naming the emotion and saying something along the lines of “This is painful right now” or “It’s hard to be a human.”  I often suggest statements that promote self-kindness and remind clients that suffering is an inherent part of the human condition.  I also suggest talking to yourself as you could talk to a friend if you’re really feeling stuck generating compassionate self-talk.

 When I do this self-compassion work with clients, I often hear something along the lines of “Won’t self-compassion make me lazy [complacent, smug, self-satisfied, fill in the blank]?  The answer is a resounding NO!

Somewhere along the way, most people have come to believe that we can criticize and shame ourselves into improvement.  This usually doesn’t work at all, and even if it does work, it won’t work in the long-term.  When you make a mistake and tell yourself “I’m such an idiot, I should know better” that keeps you stuck in the negative emotion and negative thought.  You aren’t typically thinking from a balanced or helpful place.  Shame is not only painful but it also isn’t productive. 

 Instead, I suggest that we get in the habit of telling ourselves, “This is really difficult right now” or “I’m a human who has made a mistake.”  Giving ourselves kindness in these moments not only feels better and creates a much healthier emotional outlook but also creates an environment more conducive to change.  Put simply, being kind to yourself will equate to more positive growth in your life than shaming or criticizing yourself.

 Let’s make this a bit more concrete with an example.  Let’s say that you are a parent and your goal is to wake up and get out of bed between 5:30-6am so you have time to prepare for the day before your young child wakes up.  On this particular day, your alarm goes off and you find yourself snoozing it for a full hour.  You then wake up to your child calling for you and spend the morning feeling disorganized and behind schedule. 

You hear a familiar voice in your head telling you…

 “You should be able to get up on time—it isn’t that hard.”

 “What is the matter with you? Other people do this easily.”

 “My day would have been so much smoother if I just woke up when I planned to.”

 And on and on from there.

 Instead, self-compassion would look like saying the following to yourself:

 “It’s hard to be a human sometimes and I don’t have to be perfect.”

 “I made a mistake and that’s okay.” 

 Hopefully you can hear that the latter statements put you in a place to problem-solve and move forward, versus staying in a stuck place of berating yourself. 

 In summary, self-compassion is a practice of being kind to ourselves.  It not only promotes psychological well-being but also helps us move forward effectively.  We can practice self-compassion by being kind to ourselves in moment of weakness and reminding ourselves that all humans struggle. 

 If you want to learn more about how to practice self-compassion, this is a great resource: https://self-compassion.org/ (see the ‘Practices’ tap).