Happiness Myths
One of my favorite topics to explore with clients is the myths that many of us believe about happiness. These are often perpetuated by society, believed by the vast majority of people, and can be tremendously unhelpful.
The happiness myths outlined in this post stem from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT. ACT is a newer psychological intervention with significant research support. It has been shown to help individuals with general life dissatisfaction, anxiety, depression, and many other presenting concerns. In broad strokes, ACT interventions are focused on creating a life worth living in the midst of pain – as pain is something we can’t escape as humans. ACT is based on the idea that the more we struggle against our uncomfortable emotions, the more problems we create for ourselves. The ACT Happiness Myths accentuate some of the beliefs that we might struggle against that could likely cause pain and suffering.
The ACT Happiness Myths include the following:
Myth 1: Happiness is the Natural State for All Human Beings
The natural state for human beings is to vacillate between a number of emotions – some of which are typically comfortable (happiness, excitement, contentment) and others which may be uncomfortable (sadness, anger, frustration). When we expect ourselves to be happy all of the time, or even most of the time, we are setting ourselves up for failure because that is not how human beings naturally operate.
Myth 2: If You’re Not Happy, You’re Defective
Building off the first myth, if we believe that we are meant to be happy most of the time and find that isn’t actually the case, that may lead us to conclude that we are defective in some way. This belief can translate to constant comparisons to other people and concluding that others must be doing it better than we are.
Myth 3: To Create a Better Life, You Must Get Rid of Negative Feelings
Negative feelings are a part of life to learn to tolerate and work through – not something we need to erase or escape. When we attempt to escape our negative feelings, this can lead to secondary problems such as chronic avoidance, procrastination, substance misuse, or avoiding the uncomfortable but important parts of life (i.e., not bringing up a concern to your partner because you suspect it may be a conversation that involves some friction).
It can be helpful to think of negative feelings like the waves in the ocean, in that they rise and they fall. If we are on a journey through the ocean, we don’t stop our boat with each wave. Rather, we continue on steadily, instead adjusting the sails or our speed in order to accommodate the larger waves we encounter.
Myth 4: You Should be Able to Control the Way You Think & Feel
Many people view their emotions as something to master or control and might view an inability to do so as childish or immature. While we don’t want our emotions running the show, we also don’t want them be so distant they can’t guide us.
Our emotions are important, and making space for them may help us better understand ourselves, our needs, and what matters to us most in life.
The goal isn’t to control our emotions, but rather to learn to let them in without allowing them to take over.
What can you do if you notice these myths creeping into your life?
First, name them! If you find your mind telling you a story about one of these myths, you can say to yourself “Oh, there is the happiness myth telling me I should be able to get rid of my negative emotions”, or “Interesting, I’m having the thought that I’m defective because I’m not happy.” This many sound simple or basic, but just the act of naming these thoughts can change how much power they have.
Second, remember that a thought is just a thought. We have millions of thoughts each day, some of which can be quite unhelpful and untrue. Remind yourself, “This is just a thought, and it will eventually pass.”
Third, remind yourself that your uncomfortable feelings are part of the human experience. Connecting with other humans can help you feel less lonely, isolated, and defective when the happiness myths creep in. You might tell yourself “I’m having a human experience of being sad and it will pass”, or “My job isn’t to be happy all of the time, it is to experience the full array of human emotions.”